What love is?
Have You ever asked Yourself, what love is?
When it comes to a partner love, husband & wife, we all have our own way to perceive what so call love. What if love is nothing, but the stepping stone to freedom, would You agree on that?
I wouldn’t want You to, unless You really feel so.
To me, the relationship that I have with others, either to my husband, family, friends. It is simply the reflection of the relationship I have with myself. Almost 10 years ago, I have been in such unhealthy relationships. The ownership and the belonging, the unfaithful, the betrayal topics have played a big role in my life. Jealousy, violence all those things I’ve faced them all. And it became so clear to me that I was needed that to overcome my childhood pain. I remembered, the day when I told myself “This is not what I deserve! I need to change something!” I remember that voice so clear!
It wasn’t easy, and I’ve failed so many times, yet I stood up and face it again. I was left alone in the dark corner with no friends, no family, no one and no where to go. I was called in so many names from those people who they said they loved me. I’ve chosen the hard way by walking away from them, and embrace this journey alone, I have no idea what will turn out, but I was willing to give it a chance. I was willing to give myself a chance, and it was the best decision in my entire life!
I have been through a big black hole and in one point I couldn’t see the light anymore. I decided to stay in the darkness, and it felt like forever. So many negative thoughts arise, fear, violent words that I used to hear when I was a child started to play in my head again, yet I had no where to run to, but stay and face it. I felt like dying in the big black hole. I was dying……… I let what wasn’t me die!
I let everything that wasn’t me die!!!
I left everything behind, friends, family, relationship that was dragging me down for over 4 years. I was nothing, I had nothing. I was totally naked from all the baggage. I moved away. New town, new chapter and new people walk into my life. I didn’t open myself to anyone. I want to be alone, silent, just me and the ocean.
Through the aloneness, something has shifted inside of me.
I found myself talking to the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars, the sea, shells. I was practicing yoga, which I’ve combined with dance and meditation. I was alone on the beach morning and night, in fact, I was living by the ocean in a small hut. I dedicate my whole day to dance with the song of the ocean, waves, winds, storms. I remember, a young girl about 18 years old asked me to teach her the meditation dance, we were dancing together on the beach. At the end of the session, she said, “One day I want to live this life just like You do! I want to be able to touch people lives the way You did to me. This is my dream life. Thank you for showing it to me!” That conversation has opened a new door in me, and before I ever known, I have many people joining my meditation dance class, both women and men.
I developed trust to a new faces, stranger that soon become my friends, sisters. The friendship that I have never known exist. I realized, they were my reflection of how I feel about myself. The true love that I received from others, simply is the love that I learned over time to give it to myself.
Without finding, looking, searching, I was volunteering in love with my friend, who is now my husband. It was so natural, yet it wasn’t easy because fear returned again. I was lost, but this time was different. Something in me speaks so loud that I need to give it all and see what happens. And the roller coaster begun.
It was a beautiful, awakening time of my life. We got married in 2012!
It wasn’t only marriage to my friend, but also marriage to myself. The commitment that I never resonate with it before, now it keeps me grounded. The differentiate between us, allow me to find the middle way of living this life. Our relationship has helped us dissolved many painful memories of our pasts and continue to help us to grow. The love we have for each other, breaks down the walls that we created to protect ourselves from love and being loved. We learn the power of valuable and willing to love fully and fearlessly. We have no shame to say “Sorry, please forgive me!”
Throughout our journey as friends, family, life partner, we’ve lost many tears both joy and pain, yet we have gained much love in return. And don’t get me wrong, our lives isn’t always Shanti Shanti. There are difficulties, physical pains, but we learn to go through it with grace. We learn to recognize it, and deal with it with an open heart and mind.
We learn that love isn’t about belonging to one another. Love to us is like giving another the wings to fly, and home to come back to.
Love is a freedom…. It is the journey and not the destination!